Where to Start?

It's hard to know where to start. I guess the first question is, how did I get to be 280 lbs? Well, as many of you know--it doesn't happen overnight. Genetics certainly plays a part! I was never a skinny child/adolescent. I was never obese at a young age, just thicker than all my peers. Somehow, my parents did such an amazing job raising me, that I still had a great amount of confidence in myself and never really minded being a little heavier. They would always tell me, "we'll be here to help you if you ever want to do anything about it." There was always a small part of me that wanted to do something, but it always seemed too hard and the larger part of me didn't want to make such an effort.

I married quite young, but I picked the right guy who has always loved me for me, no matter what I look like. During our first year of marriage, I started gaining a little bit of weight because we would eat out ALL the time. But, my real weight gain didn't start until my first pregnancy. In my first pregnancy, I went from 175lbs. to 240 lbs in 9 months! At that point, I was obese! I spent the first year of my oldest daughter's life just being a mom and not having the time for me. I finally wised up and got to work and was able to get down to about 195 lbs in a few months. However, I was just using a FAD diet and as soon as I stopped and had a couple of miscarriages which depressed me greatly, I immediately started to put the weight back on.

Why???? I ask myself this all of the time! Why do I turn to food for just about every emotion I feel--BOREDOM, STRESS, SADNESS, ANGER---they all feel better when I eat. So, this last year's journey I have come to the conclusion that I am a food addict! There is no deep-rooted sadness in my life, I just had never learned to substitute something else in the place of food whenever I'm feeling one of those emotions. I also never put myself first. I now have 4 children and each pregnancy I put on a TON of weight and then was the selfless mother and never took any time to take care of ME. I was a great wife and mother--but I had lost myself amidst 280 lbs. of fat!

Frequently, I would try a new FAD diet and lose some of the weight temporarily, but it always came back full force and usually with another 15 lbs. just for fun!

So, in December of 2008, my grandmother passed away. I was 29 years old and 8 months pregnant, weighing in at just under 300 lbs. My grandmother lived the majority of her adult life overweight and in the last years, morbidly obese. There is no question in my mind that her weight caused all of the diseases which led to her death. My grandma could never "be" the kind of grandma to play with us because of her size and lack of energy. I think I decided at her funeral that if I didn't shape up soon, this would be my legacy and I can't think of a worse way to leave this world--knowing that you could have done something to prevent or prolong it.

I actually feel that my grandmother has been helping me, giving me strength when I've wanted to give up because she does not want me to live life on the sidelines. I am grateful to her for the wonderful person she was and the many things she taught me--especially this: "You're worth it!"